Backwards Kingdom: Finding Worth

One thing that I have struggled with my entire life is defining what it is that gives me worth. Ever since I was little, I was known as a “gifted kid”. I was set apart from my peers since kindergarten, and because I could learn faster than the other kids in my class, I was put in different classes. Because of this, I quickly earned for myself the reputation of “nerd” and “smart kid” that lasted all the way until my high school graduation. I was seen as a sort of golden child to adults when I was younger, simply because I spent all my time reading chapter books and having fun in school. I often heard phrases like “you’re going to get into any school you want” and “you’re easily going to graduate at the top of your class” all the way back in elementary school, and by the time I was ten, I had been convinced that I was going to be a shoo-in for Harvard University. Now, I know that these were all well-meaning comments, but once I entered high school, I quickly learned that these weren’t exactly true. I was so used to school coming naturally for me, and had assumed that it would always be like that, so once I had to study for hours a day to pass a class and received tests with lower scores on them for my calculus class, I began to spiral. Because of the things that I had heard from adults during my early childhood, I had grown to believe that I was better than others in the academic world, and could easily do anything, something that I only recognized later on in life as pride.

So, once classes got hard, and I realized that I wasn’t everything that these adults said I would be, I completely lost my sense of self-worth. As I spent hours in my basement every night, doing the same math problem for an hour straight, I remember sobbing in the dim light of the LEDs, asking God what was wrong with me. I had become so conditioned to have school come easy for me, that when it finally didn’t, it shattered me. Now, I have learned that this all resulted in me believing I should be able to do anything without struggle, and I recognize how toxic of a belief this is. This is something that I have to fight often in my own mind, because I have to humble myself to remember my broken, sinful nature.

As you can probably tell by now, I discovered in high school that my entire sense of worth was centered around my performance. In my eyes, I was only as good as my grades, and how well I did in sports. My mindset was summed up in the idea that “I’m only good enough if I do enough”. So, on the days where my to-do list was left untouched, and nothing productive was done, I viewed myself as essentially useless.

You see, this is a mindset that the world loves to cultivate. Modern American culture is obsessed with image, and those that are rich, famous self-starters are the ones that are praised and admired. Magazines write stories about quick rises to fame and entrepreneurs working eighty hours a week to start up their own business. Drinking countless shots of espresso to power through a long workday is seen as not just acceptable, but even as wise. And in the midst of all of this, we are told that our worth is tied to our performance. If you aren’t contributing enough to society, you are told that you essentially have no value and shouldn’t be taking up precious space.

First of all, if you have fallen into similar traps that I fell into concerning a tie between worth and performance, I am sorry. It is such a heavy pressure to feel like you have to work to be enough. I get it. However, this is why the ideas that God presents in the Bible is so countercultural, and furthers the idea of a backwards kingdom. Scripture sees worth in an entirely different light than the world, and the difference is something that will change your life.

What your worth isn’t tied to

In my life, I had to learn that your worth is not tied to your performance. This is something that is too fluid, too unstable, too quickly changing to ground your entire worth around. Tying your worth to what you’ve contributed to that day means that you are only as much as you do, and the second someone else can complete more things on their checklist than you, you are now disposable and useless. All this leads to is a life of rushing to the next thing, trying to prove to yourself and to the rest of the world that you shouldn’t be forgotten or discarded. All this leads to is an endless cycle of trying, trying, trying. Let me tell you, it’s exhausting.

What it’s actually tied to

The freedom of the backwards kingdom is this: you don’t have to try at all to have worth. Not a bit. Because the reality is, your worth was established for you before you even existed.

All the way back in Genesis, we see that God created us in his image, which is perfect and holy. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. (Genesis 1:27). Even though the fall caused us to have our sinful nature, it did not remove the fact that our original design, which held fast despite the fall, was directly from a God that is holy, righteous, and perfect. He created us intentionally and with a purpose, so from the start of creation, we had worth through our Creator. The fact that we were specifically handcrafted by our God shows that there was a purpose in mind when we were made. Psalm 139:14 even says that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”.

In addition, we see countless examples of this in the New Testament, where Scripture outlines that we were made with a specific purpose in mind. “But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light.” (1 Peter 2:9) While it is true that we were created with a purpose, and are called to actions that line up with our heart aligned towards God, our worth is not found in anything we actually do. The fact that we belong to Christ is enough to show our identity. No amount of checks on our to-do list, or lack thereof, can change this in any way.

While this is freeing to know that we don’t have to try to be good enough, this should also humble us. You can’t become “better” than everyone else if you finish all your assignments on time, complete a to-do list, or take the whole day being as productive as possible. If the only thing that defines us is our identity in Christ, then we need to remember who made this possible. “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:  Not of works, lest any man should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9). This verse is used very commonly to explain salvation and to show that it isn’t works-based, and does an amazing job to show that we in no way affect this process. Nothing that we do or don’t do can change what Jesus did for us on the cross, so no amount of actions can save us or sanctify us. We cannot boast in any of our actions, because it is all God’s grace, despite our selfish and flawed nature. We should still be striving to let our actions reflect the God that has saved us, but leading Bible studies or getting involved in ministry should not give us a sense of haughtiness or pride. I struggle a lot with pride, and have to remind myself often that if I am finding myself more “worthy” of God’s love because of what I am doing, I am no different than the Pharisees.

Once you find your worth in Christ and Christ alone, your whole world changes. When you can pull your focus away from trying to justify yourself through your actions, you realize how much bigger the world is than you. This gives you the ability to turn your eyes to those around you, to recognize the needs of the ones you love and be there for them. It brings a sense of humility to realize that your life is not all about you, and helps you focus less on yourself and more on living a life that is a living testimony to the goodness of the God that freed you. It can be difficult to accept your worth in Jesus when you don’t feel like you are enough, so give yourself grace for the hard days, but never stop chasing after Him.