Destroying the Body of Christ: Gossip

As I was developing my ideas for this series, I began compiling a mental list of all the different ways that I have seen the body of Christ being destroyed by its own members. This was done largely through observation of the world around me, and my own experiences that I’ve seen throughout my life in the church. To no one’s surprise, what particularly stood out to me was gossip, and how we hurt each other with the words that we say.

I have tackled the subject of gossip before, but it was written from the perspective of how it affects unbelievers. When those that claim to love Christ are constantly talking negatively about other people, and spreading rumors and secrets around, those that don’t have a relationship with Jesus take notice. This leads to distrust towards the body of Christ, and many people turn this into a skewed vision of who Jesus is to them. This causes people to turn away from any thoughts of Christianity, saying that they don’t want to follow a god whose people are so horrid with their language.

While this is more than true, I want to take a different angle to gossip, focusing on its impact within the church. I passionately believe that this is the most prevalent issue that our generation faces that divides Christians, and stems from how we let the world’s influence impact us.

My experience

This is a topic that I am very familiar with, as I have been on both sides of gossip within the church in the past. While I’d love to be able to say that I have never struggled with it, I know myself better than that. I have always wrestled with self-control with my words, especially when I’m with a bunch of people that are gossiping. It is so easy to do things to simply blend in, or try to prove yourself with the information that you have.

However, I know firsthand how hurtful it can be, and how much it can divide a community. Once, I had to get involved in a situation between two people, but this situation was amiable and without conflict. However, people began taking bits and pieces of information that they had heard and began twisting it into a story. This went so far that people began picking sides, in a situation where there were no sides to take. They instead began twisting things and saying untrue and hurtful things about a situation that they knew nothing about, and specifically about me. What hurt the worst is that I had heard that some of the people saying these things, and taking the other person’s “side”, were people that I considered to be friends that I trusted. However, they never said anything about it to me in person, and pretended like they hadn’t said those things.

This situation was so difficult because people’s desires to talk about others and be included in the conversation caused things to escalate when it wasn’t needed, and caused people to begin assuming things about a situation they had no idea about. Not only did the whole idea of creating “sides” naturally divide people that are all a part of the church community, but it caused me to lose trust in many of those people I thought cared about me.

This is the impact that gossip has on the body of Christ. It divides, it separates, and it manipulates. It gives people a skewed vision of those around them, and is the reason why we have so many preconceived notions about those that we haven’t even met yet. Because of the things that we hear from others, we shut down opportunities for friendship and fellowship before we even give them a chance. In addition, I know people that have had to leave their home church because of the impact of the words of the church community. We are called to be encouraging to one another, so if all we do is share each other’s secrets and tell everyone their faults, the kingdom will crumble.

The source

Unfortunately, I know that this isn’t an uncommon problem. While it is amazing that so much of the church is always spending time in community, it means that there are plenty of opportunities to talk bad about each other. Whether it is discussing relationships, preferences, leadership, or any other matter, situations can become much bigger than they need to be, and the source of it always comes back to our pride.

A gossip train usually starts from someone that is involved in any kind of conflict with another person, when they go to tell somebody else about this conflict. This isn’t necessarily bad on its own, because it is healthy to be able to talk through situations and ask for advice from people that you trust. However, when emotions run high, we tend to want to “vent” about a situation, using that as an excuse to say hurtful things about other people. As they tell more people, those people will continue to spread the news, until all of a sudden an entire room knows the details of a conflict happening between two people. As this rumor mill goes, the details get less and less accurate, as people begin making their own assumptions about the story based on their own perspectives and preferences. The pride of wanting to seem right in a situation, and prove yourself through having others on your side or through spinning the story your way, is always what starts this. From here, peer pressure essentially drives this train, because refusing to engage in gossip and shutting it down will consider you “weak”, “uptight”, and “no fun” by the world’s standards. Trust me, I’ve been there, and it’s not a fun place to be.

Another reason that we see gossip so prevalently is because we have become experts at justifying ourselves. Anyone that has read the book of Proverbs is all too familiar with its stance on gossip, with verses like Proverbs 16:28, which says that  “a froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends” making it very clear what the impact of our words are. Because we know that this is wrong, we instead begin telling ourselves lies concerning our motives, and using this to keep us complacent. I’m sure you all have used this excuse, or have heard this excuse being used before, when someone tells you something another person did or said, only to say that “I’m only telling you this so that you can pray for them.” This is truly one of the oldest tricks in the book, because we can pretend like telling someone else is truly the best and most Godly thing that we can do. The body of Christ is amazing at justifying things, and that is because we know the truth. We have no excuse because of our understanding of the Lord’s commandments, so if we want to live in our sin, we have to convince ourselves in some way that what we are doing is actually okay. However, the book of James makes it very clear that “if any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.” (James 1:26). There is no excuse or justification that is stronger than the commands of a mighty and powerful God.

What now?

Now, the obvious solution is to just stop gossiping, but we both know that this is easier said than done. A problem that has grown to this magnitude clearly isn’t one that is going to be solved without effort. Instead, I want to share helpful tips that I have had to learn on my own along the way, including ones that I still am figuring out. Like I said, I struggle with gossip myself, and always am learning how to bridle my tongue and be encouraging with my words.

Like I mentioned earlier, one of the reasons why gossip is so prevalent is because of our ability to justify what we are going to say. Because of this, the most helpful thing that I’ve learned is to think about your purpose for saying something. Even if I am just going to one of my close friends to tell them about a situation, I have to stop and think of what my purpose is. Am I telling them to receive advice on how to handle it, acknowledging that there is a risk of someone getting hurt, or sharing someone else’s shortcomings or a place where I disagree with them? If there is not a specific reason for telling someone something that is not directly productive towards loving others and loving God, it’s best just to not share it. A way that I’ve learned to implement it is to wait a few days before telling anyone if I feel like I want to say something. By the time those few days are up, my emotions will have dwindled down, and sometimes I will even forget what even happened. In these situations, I know that the issue wasn’t big enough for me to need to even talk about it. However, if I find myself really struggling with a thing that a person said or an interaction I had with them, those few days will give me clarity to know what I need to tell someone, and what I need from them. I can then come to them in a state of clarity where I can point them to how I need support in that situation. This has proven to help me check my own heart, instead of just sharing when I feel annoyed, confused, or frustrated.

Secondly, I found Scripture to memorize that has been an anchor when I am feeling tempted. A few years ago, I memorized Ephesians 4:29 when I was convicted about some pretty awful things I had been saying, and it is still a prevalent verse for me now. “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers". I have to turn to this verse time and time again to help me, sometimes even having to say it out loud in public and look a little silly doing it. However, having this Scripture memorized is like having an accountability partner in my head at all times.

In addition, there are a few more tips that have helped me learn how to refrain from useless and harmful gossip. If you find yourself in a situation where people around you are saying things about others or situations that they shouldn’t be saying, take the step of boldness to be the one to shut it down. This can be daunting, I know, but we need to be keeping our brothers and sisters in Christ accountable. The only key, though, is that this needs to be done in love. If you approach this with a “mightier than thou” mindset, focusing on condemning those involved, no progress will be made in anyone’s hearts. I understand that the risk of shutting down gossip is the possibility for them to turn it on you, but you need to be less focused on people’s perception of you and more focused on your obedience to God. As long as you are doing what He has commanded you, He has promised to take care of you and provide.

Finally, talk kindly about others behind their back, assuming the best in them. Just take a second and imagine what the body of Christ would look like if we began complimenting each other in secret! Instead of tearing down a person’s unfortunate fashion choice, tell everyone that they always have the cutest hairstyles. Rather than making fun of someone’s previous relationship, make sure people know that they are always filled with joy and make sure others feel included in their spaces. By doing this, we could totally reframe how we love others, not doing it to their face to win approval, but to help the rest of the church see the love of Jesus in them that you see in them. “As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith” (Galatians 6:10). We are called to love and to do good, and God has given each and every one of us words that can be used for just that, if we do it right.