Wow, I can’t believe it is already October! Camp already feels like a past life, yet I still have so many vivid memories: laughing in the creek, worshiping alongside my cabin, and getting to be silly with my campers as we experienced life together for a week. I remember all of the times that we cheered like crazy for a tribal showdown, and all the amazing CrossTalks we had where the campers asked deep and insightful questions about the Bible, the Gospel, and how faith fits into their own lives.
No matter how many crazy memories I have, though, there are still some specific moments that I remember, especially some that definitely humbled me and forced me to rethink my actions and my heart attitude. Interestingly enough, this story spans a few weeks at camp. Every week, I ran a baking elective, and so every afternoon, I would spend about an hour and a half teaching campers how to bake. I normally loved doing this, because the girls I taught with were sweet and helpful, the kids were always respectful and had a good time, and, of course, the sweet treats were always delicious.
However, there was one week that was particularly stressful. We were relatively short-staffed, and the kids that week were more rebellious and preferred to do whatever they wanted to. So, it was stressful to keep them all from running around, teach them how to bake without letting them eat all of the ingredients, and doing it all within a specific time frame, all while doing it in love and being intentional to show them that they are cared for and valued.
I remember that one of the campers in this elective that week was very introverted; he preferred to keep to himself, and really wasn’t able to connect with the other campers much. I think he ended up enjoying the elective, even if it was just because we got to eat some good desserts! However, I could see that it was hard for him to feel included, and so he often preferred to sit back and watch instead of get involved. This was hard for me to see, and I struggle with patience, so it was honestly difficult for me to stay patient while he resisted my efforts to include him. This in itself challenged me to love people that receive love in different ways than me; when a method that I use to feel loved doesn’t make someone else feel loved, I quickly get frustrated because they didn’t respond like I would. We all feel loved in different ways, and until you get to know someone well enough to find out how they feel most loved, there is a difficult barrier while you learn how to best love them, regardless of your own strengths and preferences.
Anyways, he ended up coming back to camp a few weeks later, and even though he wasn’t in my baking elective again that week, I still saw him frequently around camp, and had a few opportunities to say hi and ask how he was doing. Hopefully, seeing a familiar face gave him a sense of peace, especially when he had a different counselor and a totally different cabin.
One day, I noticed that he was sitting in the corner of the game field after our camp game, and he looked downtrodden. I didn’t see his counselor around, and I could tell that a lot of cabins were already leaving for the next event of the night. So, I figured that I would go over and help him find his cabin quickly. I left my cabin and my co-counselors, figuring that I would only be gone for a minute. Once I got over to where he was sitting, I said hi and asked how he was doing.
Almost immediately, I could tell that he really wasn’t having the best day. He was sitting with his knees to his chest, hugging his knees and looking down. Personally, I believe that camp is one of the best places on this earth, so it’s always a surprise whenever I see a camper looking sad. However, I do know that camp can be tough for some kids, when they’re away from their family, don’t know anyone in their cabin, and have a totally different routine than what they’re used to.
In a moment of vulnerability, he told me that he was having the worst week. His cabin didn’t like him, and he didn’t think that God really loved him. He felt hurt, and wasn’t feeling loved at that moment. I would have to assume that based on what he said, and how he talked about God not being real or not being loving at all, must be rooted deeper than just this week of camp. Often, when you’re a counselor, you don’t know much about a camper’s life before they step on the grounds, and sometimes they confide in you about it, while other times they don’t feel comfortable sharing, which is okay. It definitely hurts, though, to see that someone that young is already struggling with feeling invaluable and unloved. I got to share some stories from the Bible, and share some truths about Jesus, hoping to give him some hope to hold onto, but he didn’t accept it.
Finally, I asked him if he would come with me, so he could find his counselor. After a few different refusals, I was quickly beginning to lose my patience. It had slowly started to rain, I didn’t know where my cabin was, and chapel was surely about to start. But I couldn’t just leave him there alone! At that moment, I really didn’t know what else to do, so I just kept asking him, with an increasingly more serious tone, if he could come with me.
Then, he said something that absolutely shattered my heart. He looked up at me and said, “I can tell you’re just getting annoyed with me.”
Wow. That hurt.
In my attempts to do something that honestly came out of a good heart, I allowed my flesh to control me, and made it more about what I wanted. I had allowed my anger and impatience to get the best of me, and because of that, he didn’t feel the love of Christ through me. He had literally just told me about how he didn’t feel loved by God, and a counselor, someone that is there to be a servant of Christ, just made him feel like he was being inconvenient and a burden.
There are some defining moments in your life where you realize that you just ruined your testimony for someone. Even though I had spent time beforehand in the baking elective, and got to spend some time with him, I had let our last interaction get tainted by my sin. He was looking for love and support, and in return, I snapped at him. It definitely hurts to know that if I had handled it differently, and was patient with him, he could have had the opportunity to feel loved and important. Even if he had continued to reject what I was saying, God had given me the opportunity to plant a seed of truth in his life, and I wasted it.
Shortly after, his counselor found him and started talking to him. I thanked him, and said bye to the camper before quickly going off to find my own cabin, hoping that they were doing alright. I was never able to talk to him or his counselor after that, so I don’t know how his week ended up being, but I still feel regret for how I acted in that moment.
This right here proves why connections are so important. God places people in our life to make us feel loved, seen, and valued, especially when we most need it. Similarly, He might use us to love somebody else, but we have to be careful with how we react to it. It is easy to feel annoyed and inconvenienced at the fact that God messed up your carefully-planned schedule for your own life, but please remember the price that this annoyance comes with. As followers of Christ, we have a responsibility to imitate him, and to take accountability for whenever we inevitably mess up.
I still think about what would have changed if I had reacted differently, but now I have to trust that God will make good use out of my mistake, and somehow use it to further his kingdom. If there is a person that God has placed in your life that you struggle to love, just remember that the Lord does everything for a purpose, and you are there to shine as a light in this dark, hopeless world; don’t let your flesh stop someone from seeing Jesus through you.
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