Welcome back to the Authentic Faith summer series! This has been such a blessing to be able to write this series, because camp is keeping me busier than ever. Now that I only have weekends to spend time on the blog, I can’t commit to doing any heavy research or studying. In addition, there has been so much happening in my life in the last few months that I really want to spend time documenting it and really meditating on what God has been teaching me.
Lately, I’ve covered some really exciting topics, like graduating from high school and getting amazing opportunities from the Lord. However, this is a more vulnerable post, and I am honestly kind of scared to share these things. This post delves into some of my fears and habits that I have created as a result of past experiences. I am scared to share this, because I don’t want to seem weak, and I am afraid of people using this against me or showing hurtful apathy, but I know that this is important to share. My blog is founded on the idea of being authentic and genuine, even when it isn't fun. So, with this post, I want you to know that I am trusting you with this. I hope that reading about some of my own struggles helps you understand that you don’t need to be ashamed of your own. The Lord already knows what you are going through before you even tell Him, so don’t be afraid to cry out to Him for help. Don’t go through life feeling like you have to fix your problems on your own, and please don’t feel too ashamed to ask others to help you.
My fears
One thing that I have learned about myself in the last few months is that I have developed some relationship struggles. Specifically, I have begun to pull away from being too close in any of my friendships. Even though God has given me some really amazing friends, and put people in my life that speak truth to me, I have recently created a tendency to stop before I get too close with somebody I know. This is because I have developed a new fear of close relationships, both romantic and platonic, because I don’t want to get hurt again.
Even though this is something I never noticed as it developed, I can now trace back where it came from. In the past, I have experienced a few relationships that have hurt me and have broken my trust. Some of these ended badly, while others were a slow fade, but seeing the way these people left my life was my first experience of truly being hurt by other people. Throughout this time in my life, I didn’t understand what was happening, and began to blame myself for the failed relationships. This bled into my self-worth, and I really struggled to believe that I was “good enough” for other people to invest in. Over time, I was able to pray over these things and ask God to help me heal. However, I noticed some of my new habits a while after all this happened.
Because of the way these people broke my trust, I have begun to set up walls without realizing it, to prevent myself from being hurt again. This looks like lots of different things: not telling friends about vulnerable parts of my life, not being honest about my struggles, and not putting in more effort in a friendship than they are. In addition, I have struggled with initiating and taking steps to really know someone better. The more I realized this about myself, the more I hate it, because I realize that I’m only looking for a friendship for personal gain. The Bible says that friends are like iron sharpening iron, where both people are speaking life into the relationship. We are called to deny ourselves daily and focus on sacrificially loving others like Jesus did. Even though it is a blessing to have people that are encouraging us and helping us focus on our spiritual life, we shouldn’t be seeking a friendship that simply benefits us. In fact, having a good friend requires giving things up for the other person, to help them and show them love when they need it.
This is all why I have felt ashamed about my new habits; even though it is good to have healthy boundaries in any relationship, I began centering it on myself and forgetting that I have to open up and be vulnerable in order to have a life-speaking friendship. Don’t get me wrong, it is healthy to be able to analyze a relationship and understand when you are the only one working for it. If you are close with somebody that isn’t making any sacrifices, and isn’t doing anything out of their normal routine to love you, pray for you, or help you, that is a sign that something needs to change.
After dealing with thoughts of loneliness for so long, I began to keep that in a subconscious part of my mind. Even though I never thought “nobody cares”, I have since noticed that I haven’t really seen the love that people have shown me as an effort to become good friends and get closer, even though it is. I have been working on this recently, and have allowed myself to feel valued and worthy of love, not because of me, but because of God.
God’s provision
The beautiful thing about this is that, once you recognize the spiritual warfare that exists behind a problem, you can better understand what the enemy is trying to do. The devil knows that I love people, and that I need that connection with other believers to encourage me in my walk with Christ. So, if he can get into my mind and use my own fears to prevent me from becoming close with those that are lifting me up, he can stop the growth of the kingdom.
For me, it is often difficult to understand why certain things happen in my life, but understanding the war that we do not see helps me understand it. Now that I see that the devil is trying to isolate me and prevent growth, it makes me aware that there must be something great right around the corner. Recently, God has put so many amazing people in my life that spur me on in faith and help me when I need it. Even though it can be scary, I am learning to respond to them in connecting deeper. Sometimes this looks like asking them to get coffee and catch up, sending them a Bible verse that reminded me of them, or simply praying over them.
I believe that one beautiful way that God is helping me with this is through camp. All summer, I am surrounded by many amazing believers that are all doing the difficult job of loving kids, so we are all in the same boat. We truly understand each other’s struggles and shortcomings, and know how important it is to lift up and encourage one another. So, instead of brushing off people’s “Are you doing okay?” I am learning to be honest and ask for help and prayer from other people.
Genesis 50:20 says that “but as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good”. Even though Satan is attempting to use my past to make me afraid and stop growth, God is using this as an opportunity to teach me how to trust Him, and to put people in my life that are going to spur me on to grow the kingdom.
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Thank you again for reading, and thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and honest about these things. I have learned that journaling is a really healthy way to process what is going on around me, and often, writing for my blog allows me to do that. In addition, I hope that this helps you understand the spiritual warfare that we do not see, and encourages you to see your struggles from a different perspective.
I have also learned that I love to write these things to be able to look back on. Sometimes, I go back and read old blog posts, and it is amazing to see how God has worked in me since then. So thank you once again for making me feel comfortable sharing these parts of my life!
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