Authentic Life Update: Anxiety

Well, it’s officially winter break, and I am proud to say that I have made it through my third semester of college. Those of you that have been following the blog since the beginning (shoutout to my day ones!) know that this project began during my sophomore year of high school, so being able to say that I have remained consistent with this hobby into my sophomore year of college is such a gratifying feat to have achieved. I love getting to reflect on my past work, especially now that it has been a few years, because it gives me the opportunity to look back on old perspectives and see how different things in my life have changed. This is especially true for my Authentic Life Updates, because these are the times where I step away from writing a topical study to sharing my own personal highs and lows. I say this over and over again, but this blog was created to be a real glimpse into the life of a Christian, to show people that it is real to love God and to struggle in relationship with Him at the same time. The standard of perfection that we often set for ourselves is unattainable, so instead of spending my life trying to believe that I can be perfect and without sin of my own volition, I want to instead normalize the fact that we need to rely on Christ to be our foundation instead.

My anxiety

So, today I want to be vulnerable in sharing about something that I have been struggling with this semester, and that is anxiety. Growing up, I never considered myself an anxious person. The more that I grow into my own character, the more I am confident in not caring what others think of me, and I tend to have an optimistic perspective that stays realistic with expectations. While I had my fair share of rough moments where situations left me anxious and fearful, it was never a main narrative of any season of life.

However, a number of things that have come up in this last semester have brought on anxious thoughts and behaviors. I would often get nervous before certain classes, noticing my breath quicken and arms shaking as the hours counted down. I had days where walking around campus made me feel like I always had to be aware and keep my guard up, and there were so many times where I was terrified to go to the dining hall to grab something to eat.

When I began struggling with this, I remember feeling chained and powerless, knowing that there were things outside of my control. As an oldest daughter, I always feel a need to have control over things in my life, so simply acknowledging that I can’t always do that is a terrifying thing to admit. Then, for a while, I became angry, resenting the fact that it felt like things were stopping me from doing what I loved. I hated feeling on edge, knowing that I had to constantly be hyperaware as I expected bad outcome after bad outcome. I didn’t want to feel like I was hiding from any possibility of hurt, but that is exactly what I was doing. In all honesty, I didn’t know what else to do.

Coping with anxiety

Like I mentioned earlier, this wasn’t a struggle that has had much of an impact on my life before this, so it was new for me to learn what to do when it came up. However, when I was feeling particularly anxious in one of my classes during the first week of the semester, I remembered a technique that I had seen all the time at summer camp. One night, I had a camper that was struggling with processing a lot of different things going on, and became overwhelmed by it all. One of the unit leaders was with me, and we were both sitting with her on the porch step as her breathing became quicker and more panicked. This was my first year, and I wasn’t sure how to help her in this scenario, but my friend immediately stepped in. She told the camper to list five things around her five things that she could see. The girl was confused, but did it in between shaky breaths. Then, she was asked to tell us four things that she could feel. Next was three things she could hear, then two things she could smell, and finally one thing she could taste. As this goes on, I notice the camper slowly calming her breath down, as she had found a simple but effective task to occupy herself with. By doing something that kept her grounded to the reality around her, the moment of panic was broken up and she gained a sense of peace.

Since then, this is a method that has helped me with countless campers, and so I decided to give it a go. This, along with teaching my campers to match my own breathing while they are feeling panicky, have become the methods that I have started to use myself. However, I have to say that I also have quite unhealthy methods of dealing with anxiety.

One thing that I have learned about myself is that I love noise. Not only do I talk a lot (and pretty loudly), but I also have such a passion for music. I love discovering new genres and artists, so having an earbud while I’m around campus is pretty much standard. The problem is, though, that I began using my loud music as a way to distract myself from anxiety. Instead of facing the reality and dealing with it head-on, I started trying to play my music louder than my thoughts, believing I could essentially just turn off my brain when it felt like too much. And honestly, this has done me no good. It is difficult when you know the easiest thing to do isn’t the best choice, but in those moments, it feels like too much to address it when I’m on the way to class, or have a busy schedule to get through. Sometimes this method actually makes it worse, but still feels like a better alternative to have to think through it.

The one thing that I have learned to be the most impactful is to be honest with my friends. There were many days where I felt anxious to go up to get dinner, and while some things in life might be avoided, I knew I had to eat eventually. So, there were a few days where I sent my friends that I was meeting with a call or a text, telling them that I was really anxious about going in. They were always kind, understanding my struggle while helping me get through it. Knowing that they were already in there, and being told exactly where they were sitting, made it easier for me to go in, and once I got there, I knew they had my back. While I often chose not to share exactly what it was about, they always were willing to listen, and even their presence and laughter together was enough.

I won’t go too into it, but I have learned I have a very independent mindset where I believe there is a bare minimum expectation for me to do everything on my own, so being honest and asking for help is a difficult thing to do, and it’s hard to not feel weak when I do it. However, these moments have taught me that we need people around us that care and will support us on the days where we might not always be joyful and carefree. In addition, we need to have our faith in a God that we know will never fail us. While this is easier said than done, we need to set these fears and expectations aside, pressing on to Jesus instead of letting ourselves be held back by anxieties.

My best friend shared a verse with me at the beginning of the semester which became something I meditated on often. It is Hebrews 12:1-2, which says this:

“Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1-2)

She showed me that there is an intentional mention of both sin and weight. I remember her telling me this vividly, and how she told me that “just because something isn’t a sin doesn’t mean that it can’t hold you back”. This began a constant prayer to God, where I honestly told Him that I didn’t know how to lay these weights aside, and asked Him to teach me.

So, for those of you that feel like there are things you are struggling with that are holding you back, let this be your encouragement. There are things in your life that may not be inherently sinful, but that doesn’t mean that it is helping you. Just like my music, which wasn’t unclean or derogatory, you might have those weights that stop you from running to Jesus, which is the race that has been set before you.