Dating & Marriage: Role of the Husband

Growing up, I heard plenty about the role of a wife in a Godly marriage. Between growing up in church and being surrounded by many women that love the Lord, I felt like I had been learning about how to be a wife since I was young. Interestingly enough, though, I don’t remember ever sitting down in a small group study, or in my church’s youth group, to talk about the role of the husband. Even though it isn’t as directly applicable to my own life as learning the role of the wife, I feel as if these two topics should be taught hand in hand. After all, you can’t have a husband without a wife, and vice versa. The whole point in learning about these different roles is to see how they interact with each other, and to see how their different responsibilities balance each other out to create a healthy relationship that glorifies God. It doesn’t matter how good of a wife you are if you weren’t careful to learn the responsibilities that Scripture has set out for your husband. It takes both people in a relationship working hard, and intentionally sacrificing their own desires, to make it work.

With all that being said, it definitely feels weird to be studying out the role of the husband. I have always been familiar with the responsibilities that Scripture gives to the wife, and I enjoyed writing about it because of how it kept me accountable to be aware of these responsibilities. It has given me something to grow in, and I have been able to use that study as guidelines for how I live now to prepare my heart for being a helpmeet in the future. On the other hand, now, studying the role of the husband feels like I am setting standards for the men in the world. I have been having some good conversations with the guys in my life in the past few months concerning relationship dynamics, and how guys feel like girls have unrealistic expectations for men that are overwhelming and impossible to fulfill. So, as I go through this study today, I want to clearly communicate my plans and intentions for what I am studying. I am doing this to learn what to expect of my future husband, so that we can work in harmony and each fulfill the roles that God has created us for. I want to inform other people about this role so that men can see what they were uniquely created for, and so that women can know what qualities to look for in a potential spouse. By learning about both of these roles hand in hand, it will paint a clearer picture of the plan that God designed for marriage, and will show how the different roles that a husband and a wife hold can grow the kingdom of God.

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Modeling Christ & the Church

When studying the role of the husband in the Bible, I find that the best place to start, in order to give this a firm foundation to build upon, is Ephesians 5. Here, we see a Biblical model of husbands portraying Christ, with wives portraying the church.

“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.” (Ephesians 5:23-28)

Again, this passage explains how the relationship between a husband and his wife should portray the relationship between Christ and the church. The husband is given the responsibility of leading the household, in the same way that Jesus is the head of the church body (that term being used to describe the whole of born-again believers). Husbands are the decision-makers, the leaders, the providers (1 Timothy 5:8), and the voice for the family. God has created men to be physically stronger than women, and typically less emotionally led than women, so that they can step into this leadership.

The New Testament doesn’t just use this metaphor loosely, though. These qualities that God has built in men are made to help them model Christ like we see in the Gospels. This model of Christ and the church is used often in Paul’s letters, and there are countless mentions of Jesus specifically being called the head of the church, like in Colossians 1:18, which says that “[Jesus] is the head of the body, the church: who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead; that in all things he might have the preeminence.”

When people learn that the husband is the head of the household, and see that Ephesians 5 explicitly says that wives should be subject to their husbands in everything, I think that they forget what exactly the role of Christ is in relation to the church. While it is true that the husband is the head, and that the wife exists to be a helpmeet and walk alongside her husband, the man has such a sacrificial role. The man is not simply barking orders at his wife, making her do everything because she is the weaker vessel. No, the husband is called to love his wife like Christ loved the church, and when you read Scripture to learn more, you discover just how sacrificial and self-forgetful Jesus’ love truly was.

“For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that ye through his poverty might be rich.” (2 Corinthians 8:9)

“Now before the feast of the passover, when Jesus knew that his hour was come that he should depart out of this world unto the Father, having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end…he riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself. After that he poureth water into a bason, and egan to wash the disciples’ feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded” (John 13:1, 4-5)

Jesus loved the church so much that he was continually giving up his own will for that of the Father, and was humbling himself to become “obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.” (Philippians 2:8). He came to this earth in a humble position, even since his birth in an inn, and was always putting himself lower than others to serve the church. In the same way, the husband is called to be self-sacrificial, and put the needs of his family above his own, and to make choices that are wise, and not selfish. So, when a wife is fulfilling her duty of a helpmeet, and submitting to the husband, she is really submitting to the will of God if the husband is being obedient. “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” (1 Corinthians 11:3) This is why I say that it is important to study the roles of wives and husbands together, because when both are functioning properly, they are exercising God’s will and being obedient to His plan.

Leaving & Cleaving

The next piece of the role of a husband is the one that I saw pop up the most frequently when pursuing a topical study of this role all throughout the Bible. The idea of “leaving and cleaving” is first mentioned in Genesis 2:24, which says that “therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24). From there, this idea is brought up multiple times in the New Testament:

“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.” (Ephesians 5:31)

“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.” (Mark 10:7-9)

Interestingly enough, the instruction to leave parents is given specifically to the man, and he is instructed to go from his family to cleave (another word for “to bind”) to his wife. In this process of leaving and cleaving, they become married and the man considers him and his wife one flesh, which should never be undone. This idea shows the loyalty that marriage entails, because of how it demonstrates an entire life shift. The husband is called to leave his family, and the life that he previously had, in order to be fully devoted to his wife and his marriage. I cannot imagine this being an easy process for him, or for his parents that raised him his entire life, but Scripture makes it clear that this is necessary for a healthy marriage. Marriage takes work, and you both must be fully committed to making sacrifices for one another. This is why these verses add that these two flesh are now one, and that this should never be undone. We talked earlier in this series about marriage being a covenant, and not a contract, and this verse strengthens this view on marriage. There is no backing out, as God sees this as a lifelong binding. So, by showing throughout Scripture how important it is for a man to leave and cleave, it details the entire life shift that marriage brings, and demonstrates the dedication that is needed in order to begin and grow a healthy marriage that honors the Lord.

Loving the Wife

Turning back once again to Ephesians 5, husbands are directed to “love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it…nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself.” (Ephesians 5:25, 33) In relation to their wives, husbands are directed to love, and even though this may seem obvious, this is an instruction that is specifically tailored to the way women were created. As a generalization, men desire to be respected, and women desire to be loved. This also explains why women are called to respect their husbands as the head of the household. This idea is used often in the New Testament, like when Colossians 3:19 tells husbands to “love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”, and when 1 Peter 3:7 instructs husbands to “dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” I have mentioned this plenty of times, but women were physically created as weaker vessels with an intention. This is not because God does not want women to be capable of things, but because this gives the men the opportunity to rise as leaders, and take on the big responsibility of protecting and honoring these women. Husbands are called to love and honour their wife as a weaker vessel, and this means that instead of pitying the fact that they are physically not as capable, they should acknowledge the fact that women were made for another purpose, and love and honor the fact that that they have the heart to be a helpmeet in any circumstances. This is where the idea of chivalry came from, and we see that in those respects, men are never shaming women for not being as strong as them, but taking the responsibility to show the love of Christ in the way that they treat women.

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All in all, husbands have a difficult, but wonderful role to fulfill when it comes to a Biblical view of marriage. They are called to model Christ with the way that they sacrificially love their wife, and to leave and cleave to be fully dedicated to the marriage. Men were created by God with the intent of being the head of their household in their future, and are designed to be protectors and providers in the way that Jesus models this. However, it takes two to create a God-honoring marriage, and both the husband and wife need to work together to let their individual responsibilities work with each other for the ultimate goal of glorifying God better together than they do apart.