Dating & Marriage: Role of the Wife

It’s always funny how topics that I had planned on writing about end up popping into my life without me expecting it, and this is no exception. The last few weeks, I have been observing relationships between husbands and wives, and boyfriends and girlfriends, and ended up having so many questions about the dynamics between the two. Because God created men to be the stronger vessel, the responsibility falls on the guy to protect the girl and to help provide. While this is a generalization, it got me thinking about what role the girl ends up having in this dynamic. In the media, I have been seeing so many scenarios in which the guy is the one doing all of the work in the relationship, and is giving themselves away for the girl, while she simply accepts it all, without having to sacrifice anything on her own. This really rubbed me the wrong way, because every successful relationship in your life exists because you are both making sacrifices and working hard. Time and time again, I found myself going back to the same question: What is the role of a godly wife? And, funnily enough, I discovered that the topic that I had planned out months ago to research this week is exactly that (God’s a funny guy; it’s almost like He knows what He’s doing!)

Obviously, this is an important topic to those that are either wives or are planning on getting married at some point in their lives. It is good to look to Scripture for a Biblical model for how we are called to live, and use these points as guidelines for how to act in a way that glorifies the Lord. In addition, though, this topic can be just as helpful for men. When looking for a wife, it is good to know what the Lord has to say about these qualities of a wife, because while these things are a growth process over time, you should be able to see some of these qualities already existing in a woman. Signing a marriage license does not automatically make you a “better wife” or “better husband”; these things take work. This is why it is important to be intentional about only pursuing those that you know are preparing themselves to fit this Biblical model. By knowing what the Bible says about wives, and how they should live their lives in their marriage, you can better tell if a person is actively preparing themselves to be a wife one day.

The one thing that I want to note before I get into this, though, is that the role of a wife and the role of a girlfriend are two distinct and separate things. In addition, this goes for guys too. While it is true that you can prepare yourself in dating to become a good spouse, and you should be looking for someone that is preparing themselves to be a good spouse, you should not automatically assume all of these wife/husband roles the second you get into a relationship. If you are not committed to someone in marriage, and especially if you do not know if you want to commit to someone in marriage, acting in a way that resembles marriage is only going to be harmful if you guys don’t end up together. These things are qualities that grow as you progress in this stage of your life.

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There are many different places in Scripture, especially in the New Testament, that outlines the role of a wife. I know that for me, I had heard a lot of these passages before, but have never really looked at them in a cumulation of qualities and commands. So, I went through as many passages as I could find, and wrote out an entire list of the qualities of a wife that these verses list. With all of these written out, I see one thing that is listed over and over again. Down below are some of the verses that I have used in this study, so take a minute to read them and see if you can find the recurring theme.

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-24)

“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands; even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.” (1 Peter 3:1-6)

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.” (Colossians 3:18)

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” (Titus 2:4-5)

Between all of these verses, the one thing that kept repeating is the idea of wives submitting to their husbands, and we both know that if the Bible keeps saying something over and over again, it is pretty much a homing beacon trying to get your attention. In literature, repetition is a device used to emphasize a point, and Scripture commonly uses this to really drive a point home. So, I really want to take time to dive into this idea of submission, and make sure that there is a clear interpretation of what specifically wives are called to do here.

For a long time, I remember this idea of women having to submit to their husbands leaving a bad taste in my mouth. In my eyes, Scripture was saying that wives couldn’t have their own opinion, and it felt like husbands could completely control and manipulate their wives as they pleased. I know that I am not the only one that has ever thought that, and I also know that out of its proper context, these verses have angered a lot of unbelievers that chose not to study out the true meaning of these passages.

It is important to note that all of these verses are intentional about the fact that wives are only called to submit to their husbands, not all men. This is an assumption that people hastily fall to, that God wants all women to have to listen to all men. However, both men and women were created wonderfully in the image of God, and it is not in God’s design to have women completely “controlled” by men.

When these passages use the word “submission”, it is not just blindly obeying everything that the husband says. We will get more into this with the next post, when discussing the role of the husband, but the wife is called to submit to the husband as the husband submits to Christ. So, with both members being obedient to this Biblical outline, the wife will not be submitting to a broken human being’s fleshly desires, but instead will be submitting to the will of God. Wives submitting to their husbands does not diminish their worth or their value, and does not place them below husbands in any way. This is simply structured in the Lord’s design of our bodies, with men being the physically stronger vessels. Christ’s intentional designs of male and female bodies and brains is what allows relationships to balance each other out so well. Ephesians 5:22-24 explains the relationship between a husband and wife to mirror that of Christ and the church. The wife’s role in this is to be subject under her husband as her husband gives himself sacrificially to God’s plan.

This isn’t a random design, though. This flows all the way back to the beginning of creation, when God first made Eve. “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.’” (Genesis 2:18). She was created to fill a gap in Adam’s life, and to fix the issue of him being alone. Her specific role was to be a “help meet”, which is a word that means companion or helper. Adam could not do what God had commanded him to do all by himself, and so Eve’s job was to walk alongside him and help him in any way that she could. It was not like this because God didn’t think that Eve could handle doing anything on her own; her design was made with Adam in mind, so she was never created to be on her own. Instead, she was Adam’s missing rib, filling a gap in his life. This is why women are called to be helpmeets: because of God’s original creation of Eve way back in Genesis.

I think understanding the role of the wife as a helpmeet is something that has been very beneficial to me in understanding this dynamic. While a husband is the leader of the household, the wife is called to be there for whatever it is he is doing, and assist him in all of the steps it takes for him to guide his marriage and his household wherever the Lord is taking it. This can practically look like many different things, such as respecting and honoring him in public, supporting him in his endeavors even when no one else is, and being a keeper of the home, which is actually outlined in Titus 2:4-5. I could go into a whole spiel about the debate concerning whether or not women should be allowed to work, or whether they should simply stick to taking care of the house. I won’t get into it all, because there is such a deep dive that could happen to derail this post, but I personally believe that a woman can find a career when it doesn’t get in the way of her effectively fulfilling this Scriptural call that the Lord has placed in the role of the wife.

So, circling back to what I mentioned at the beginning, about how both sides of a relationship require sacrifice, it felt important to mention being a submissive wife is no easy task. This is because we are selfish human beings, and often simply want to do what seems most beneficial to ourselves at the moment. While it is a joy to submit to a husband that genuinely loves the Lord and that you can trust to not lead you astray, it will be difficult regardless to learn how to put your own desires and wants on the backburner to prioritize your husband’s needs. This is especially scary when you might not fully agree with what your husband is asking of you, or when there is a differing opinion on how to go about doing something. I had a wonderful conversation a few weeks ago about submitting through disagreements, and I loved the perspective that she had on it. A wife is more than able to share her own opinion, and be honest with her husband on where she is viewing the situation. The husband should listen to her perspective, and truly have an open mind, but the wife also needs to be prepared if the husband does not change his mind and still has peace about the direction that the Lord is giving him. This, however, means that the responsibility of the decision, and the effects of it, fall on the husband either way. This even includes if the husband ends up making the wrong decision on something! In this scenario, the wife was being obedient in fulfilling Scriptural commands of submitting to her husband, and as long as she is not fully going against other Scriptures in what she did to submit, she is protected by that. I can’t imagine this is an easy thing to learn.

Before I wrap up, I know most of this post centered on submitting to the husband and the role of a helpmeet, and I know that it was pretty vague. Personally, I learn best through specific and applicable examples. However, I also want to dip into some other characteristics of a godly wife, just so that we can put these pieces into the puzzle and see the big picture. Proverbs 31:10-31 displays how specifically a godly wife is trustworthy, hardworking, edifying and wise, and fearing the Lord. 1 Peter 3:1-6 focuses on prioritizing inward adornment as opposed to external adornment, and Titus 2:4-5 describes how a wife is to be discreet and chaste. Between all of these characteristics, I can see a picture forming of how a godly wife lives, and what practical pieces of her life look like as they reflect God’s glory.

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I am going to be so honest with you all, I am writing this way too late in the night, so I hope that this made sense to you all. I knew that I wanted to focus on the role of the wife before I talk about the role of the husband, because I know that before we look for our future spouse, we need to look inwards into ourselves and look at how we measure up to what Scripture lays out for us. I hope this was as helpful to you as it is to me, and if you would like to talk about how these practically apply to a wife following and fearing God, please never hesitate to reach out! I am in such a season of learning and growing, and would absolutely love to talk through these things and hear new perspectives. As always, I am so thankful for your unending support, and may God bless you this week!