Dating & Marriage: Purpose

There is a lot to cover when it comes to Biblical marriage and dating, and I honestly struggled a bit to decide where to start. After all, this is a really important topic, and I want to be thorough in my study of it. While brainstorming different directions that I wanted to go in this study, I found a grounding point in starting with the purpose of it all. After all, our intention behind something is going to change the way that we go about something. For those of you that have been loyal readers, you might remember the discussion we had on being intentional back in February. Regardless, I would encourage you to go back to that post and take a little refresher on what it means to be intentional as a Christian.

Being Intentional

Specifically regarding marriage and dating, it is important to be intentional because going into a relationship without any purpose behind it will only end up hurting people. I have seen this happen far too often, where people get into a relationship simply because emotions are running high, or because it feels good to them in the moment, only to struggle when they realize neither one of them has a direction for that relationship. We hurt people when we act without intention, even if you don’t realize it at the moment. Dating without intention looks like hanging out when it is convenient, and simply going into it looking for a personal gain to make you feel good. This quickly falls apart when you realize that relationships require effort and sacrifice.

One piece of advice that I was given while going through this series is to start with an end in mind. Before entering into a committed relationship, or before deciding to get married, know what your plan is, and make sure to communicate that to the other person to make sure that you are on the same page. As a Christian, we shouldn’t be dating people simply for instant gratification, to have somebody to spend time with and invest in you when you feel lonely. In addition, dating simply “because they’re cute” is frankly a shallow way to approach it. A romantic relationship is a real commitment, and you should know where you want this to go.

When it comes to dating, I was advised to date to see who you want to marry. A common misconception is that the goal of dating is to get married. While I understand the concept, this frames any kind of breakup as a sort of “failure”. Dating is the process of getting to know someone better, and to learn if this is somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with in marriage. It is good to come into it knowing that you see a lot of possibility of marriage, but you don’t have to know for sure if you want to marry them before you start dating them. That is the period of time you have in dating to get to have those conversations, and know that person more, and then you can learn more about your possible futures together. So, while marriage should always be a possibility before dating someone, don’t feel as if you have failed simply because you are going through a breakup. This simply means that you two spent time with each other to see if this is God’s plan for you both, and it wasn’t. Often, God uses closed doors like that to teach you, and guide you to walk differently in the next relationship that you are in. Proverbs 16:3 says to “commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established.” If you devote your relationship to God and surrender it to His will, He will be good in that, even if it doesn’t match up with your own plans that you had for your life.

God’s Original Design

Turning back to marriage, the way that I began to approach its purpose is to ask the question, “Why did God design marriage?” We see the relationship between Adam and Eve in Genesis 2 as the first picture of a marriage relationship, showing God’s own intentionality with His design in both man and woman.

When God initially created Adam in Genesis 2, the Lord states that “it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” (Genesis 2:18) Here, God almost instantly recognizes a sort of problem, that man should not be alone. There is an immediate need for relation, specifically for a helpmeet. So, God finds a solution to this in verses 21-24: “And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto a man. And Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” God’s solution to Adam’s need for a helpmeet was Eve, and there is an immediate bond there showing the Father’s design for a man and a woman together. Adam’s need for this helpmeet is not simply relational, though, there is an implication through the idea of a helpmeet that there is work to be done. (Sidenote: I have been using the term “helpmeet” often to describe the woman’s role; this is something that we will be digging into heavily while discussing the role of the wife later in this series). This brings us back to God’s original design for marriage, which is for man and woman to work better together than they do separate, specifically for the purpose of glorifying God.

Our ultimate purpose as believers is to glorify God in all that we do, and allow all of our actions and thoughts to point back to the character of our good Father. This includes the Great Commission in Matthew 28, where we are instructed to “go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world.” (Matthew 28:19-20) God recognized in the garden of Eden that Adam could better fulfill this purpose of glorifying God alongside Eve, with both of their unique skills being fused together for His good. This is why some of the advice I was given, from many different couples, is to establish your relationship with God first. If you want a relationship that points back to God and glorifies Him, you cannot simply expect to get better once you are already in that relationship. Instead, this is something that you should have established beforehand, and be solid in your identity as a child of the King. The purpose of a relationship is to glorify God together, not to fix yourself up once you are in it. So, before you commit to being in a relationship with someone else, it is important that you both have a healthy and established relationship with Jesus. This is one that is stable, self-sacrificing, and authentic. This is the best stepping stone for a romantic relationship, because you can both effectively glorify God together when you are already chasing Him individually.

Contract vs. Covenant

This is an idea that I have been hearing a lot about recently, and it is a good way to view the different ways the world and God view marriage. Our culture views marriage as a contract, one that is protective and breakable. The proof is simple: almost 50% of marriages end in divorce. This is a clear sign that marriage is not viewed as sacred, but is instead a reversible act. Marriage to the world is a piece of paper that two people sign, fully aware and prepared for what will happen if it goes south. Especially considering the more modern ideas of cohabitation, which is when a couple will live together before marriage, people will typically take for granted the sacred nature of marriage, and go at it in their own way. This is dangerous, because viewing marriage as breakable and casual is a sure way to not truly take it at face value.

In contrast to contract, the Bible views marriage as a covenant, a sacred, unbreakable promise that withstands the test of time. God has established the characteristics of a covenant countless times in the Old Testament, showing to Noah (Genesis 6:18-22, 9:8-17), Abraham, (Genesis 17:1-14), Isaac (Genesis 17:19-22), and many other individuals that once He establishes a covenant, He will always follow through with it, and thoroughly keep that promise. He has made it clear that covenants are unbreakable, and there is no wiggle room. Marriage is a commitment, and you shouldn’t go into it if you aren’t willing to commit to it. It is so beautiful for me to see marriage painted this way, because there is such security in knowing that you are entering into something with such intention and purpose. Your perspective on marriage will change the way that you approach it.

Purpose

The Bible has so many other different descriptions of marriage, each part piecing together what He originally created marriage for. We see Jesus refer to Genesis 2 while addressing Pharisees that were questioning him in saying this: “‘Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, for this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” (Matthew 19:4-6) Here, Jesus is presenting an image of a heterosexual, monogamous relationship in which two people become one flesh. This mirrors the earlier idea of a covenant, where this relationship binds two people together, and there is a warning that no one should pull this apart. In addition, Genesis 1:28 shows God’s command to “be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it” displays the intention that the Lord had for marriage to be a way to replenish the earth through having children. This is why He stresses this relationship to be between one man and one woman, because that is how we are biologically created by the Father to be able to fulfill this replenishment.

One other purpose that is made clear in the Bible concerning marriage is the plan for sexual intimacy. This is something that I hope to talk about more later on in this series, but Scripture makes it clear that sex is something that was designed for husbands and wives to use to become more intimate, and grow closer together in such a unique and beautiful way. In fact, the entire book of Song of Solomon describes this intimacy in such a beautiful way, making it clear that this was a clear part of God’s design for marriage. Even though it has been distorted and tainted in the world through the lust and desire for immediate gratification, sex in itself is such a beautiful creation from God.

This is a difficult issue to address as a Christian, especially as someone that isn’t married. It is clear in Scripture that we should remain virgins until marriage, because it was designed specifically in a marriage covenant. However, it is difficult to view it as a beautiful thing when all you hear about it is “don’t do it”. Personally, I have found a beautiful peace in the idea of saying “not yet”. Just because something wasn’t designed for you in this moment doesn’t make it bad, it simply means that a good thing outside of God’s timing isn’t a good thing anymore. It puts too much pressure on it all, which especially isn’t helpful on the wedding night. While the idea of sex should still be handled delicately and with respect, beating around the bush and refusing to have conversation about it only stigmatizes it more in Christian culture, and creates more problems for those that aren’t married or are newlyweds.

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I know I’ve just covered a lot of ground, but I don’t think I realized how invested I would get in all of this. You all know by now my desire to have a solid foundation in any study that I do, and I feel confident that this has given us some good groundwork for more discussion in the next few months as we dive into some more topics. I would ask that you would give me grace throughout this series, as I am learning so much, and am relying on the experience of those in my life that I view as mentors to help guide my studies. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says that “[God’s] strength is made perfect in weakness”, and I hope that the flaws in my own selfish heart would simply draw you nearer to Him and encourage you to find the truth on your own, fully reliant on the Father to be your provider and protector.