Destroying the Body of Christ: Relationships

Ever since I began brainstorming ideas for this series, I became more and more aware of what was happening around me, noticing the way my peers acted and interacted with each other. Dots connected as I saw patterns appear, especially in my school’s culture. I am an avid people watcher, and so I always end up observing people in the midst of their own habits. And, as you can probably guess, this means that I end up learning a lot about my university’s culture concerning relationships.

This topic is something that has always fascinated me, because it is such a phenomenon that the world has made such a dynamic switch from arranged marriages to complex talking stages. These two ideas are so polarized that I can’t help but wonder how the road to marriage became so complex, and how even finding someone that you like has evolved into a situation that has to be danced around with an astonishing amount of caution. Because of the way that our generation approaches dating and relationships, it has been so interesting getting to observe the way people perceive this idea, and to watch how they act and react when somebody is on their radar. While Christian dating does have many stark differences from the world’s perspective of it, I believe that there are so many elements of our dating culture that we sweep under the rug, allowing it to form into toxic excuses and complex dynamics in the body of Christ.

The Christian Dating Sphere

For those of you that grew up in church like me, you might have had very similar experiences in how relationships were presented to you. Ever since middle school, my youth pastors had been teaching us what it looks like to begin dating someone with the intent of glorifying God. We talked constantly about the difference between love and lust, walked through different qualities of godliness in relation to finding a good partner, and discussed the realities of resisting temptation. Two passages that constantly came up in these conversations are 2 Corinthians 6:14, “be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” and Amos 3:3, which says “can two walk together, except they be agreed?”. These two pieces of Scripture were used to encourage us to find a partner in a fellow Christian, especially one that shares critical theological beliefs.

Many of these ideas that I was taught are ones that are still carried into Christian culture now, and are commonly preached on for my generation. Even now, these same discussions are prevalent, and these verses are still the foundation for many people when looking for potential partners. One really healthy way that I’ve seen people approach this is getting to know new people in low-stakes environments. This includes hanging out with somebody in a group of people instead of doing it one-on-one, which allows you to get to learn more about them and gauge their priorities in life without committing to a date with someone you don’t know much about. This has brought on a lot of different healthy relationships around me, and I love how it establishes a friendship with people outside of romance, because you need to be able to be friends with your future spouse.

This is just the tip of the iceberg of what I’ve seen, heard, and learned about the Christian dating sphere, but a lot of this knowledge is either gained from advice from youth pastors or influential mentors in our generation. Unfortunately, the reality of what I see my peers doing is an entirely different story.

The Reality

This all sounds amazing, but the reality is that no matter how much we preach to live in righteousness, we are broken people. Unfortunately, a lot of the patterns that I see in environments where people profess to love Christ are unhealthy and worldly, as people use their faith as a shield to hide behind when their own selfish desires get in the way.

One very widespread belief that Christians hold is the idea that the purpose of dating is to figure out if your partner is somebody that you would want to marry. In addition, the purpose of marriage is to find somebody to spend the rest of your life serving God with, with the intent of replenishing the earth through having children and fulfilling the Lord’s calling for your life with that person. The core purpose of it is to glorify God, meaning that it involves making sacrifices and giving yourself up for others and for Him. Whether it is your time, energy, routine, money, or plans, marriage is one of the most self-sacrificial ideas in our world. Every married couple I know says that marriage is hard, and this is because of all the sacrifices that have to be made when you are with somebody else.

However, our generation is failing to see this aspect of relationships, and are instead seeking a partner for self-seeking reasons. Because of the technological advances that have occurred during our childhood, modern American culture has trained us to become accustomed to getting what we want immediately and without any hesitation. This is true for media, shopping, and even cures for our boredom, teaching us that every desire we have can and should be immediately fulfilled.

This becomes dangerous when we start wanting a partner, even if it is innocent in its intentions. Living on campus of a university means that we have the highest accessibility to potential partners that we will ever have in our lives, barring our eventual nursing homes. We are constantly surrounded by our peers, and between classes, getting meals, and campus events, our days are filled with interacting with these peers. Our world is quick to tell us that when we can fill a desire, we should do so as fast as possible. This results in either casual, low-commitment relationships, or in full commitment relationships with a high level of interdependence. These are both dangerous in their own right, because it promotes giving into those desires for physical or emotional intimacy without requiring the sacrifice that a relationship built around Jesus is founded on. When the body of Christ seeks pleasure and immediate gratification, we are quick to say that what we did “wasn’t that bad”, and begin comparing it to the horrible things that we see done by those that do not know Jesus. This is a slippery slope, because we allow ourselves to play games and dance around important conversations because of how uncomfortable and raw these things are.

Now, I understand that this is a generalization, and I do have peers that are in true, God-honoring relationships in which I see them make sacrifices and look to how they can serve the Lord together with their combined gifts. However, the way that I see many people in my own community treat the dating scene like something that can be handled with little understanding of its gravity fail to recognize not just the value the Lord has placed on marriage, but also show a lack of discipline that allows them to disregard what they know is wise for their walk with Christ. This shows a lack of respect for our God, and also ends up hurting both yourself and other people in the process. And understand that when I say this, I include myself in this mix. I've struggled with these temptations, and can selfishly want to receive the benefits of a relationship without the sacrifice and commitment. This is a constant battle, and I know that I am not the only one that feels this way. I share this to let you know that if you struggle with this, you are not alone. These temptations are real, and they are difficult, but if you have somebody else to walk through it with you, it makes it so much more bearable.

Causing Division

With all of this going on, things get messy quickly. One of the most difficult things that I had to deal with in my youth group during my time in high school was trying to navigate youth group breakups. Because of how tight my community there was, things became really awkward when two people ended their relationship, usually in some messy issue. Everybody had to figure out how to love and support two people that didn’t want anything to do with each other, and even hanging out in groups became difficult as we had to all of a sudden segregate ourselves in unspoken “sides”. All this led to was division and gossip, and by the time we graduated, things were so messy, and what should have been a unified body of young adults chasing after the Lord together became a complicated game of dancing around people and situations.

To no one’s surprise, this theme has only proven to be more true as I navigate through college life. It is difficult for the church to have a mindset of unity when you are constantly trying to avoid people or feel obligated to ignore people that your friends used to date. People feel compelled to pick sides, leading to split-up friend groups, tainted dynamics in leadership, and other awkward situations that ultimately make people more focused on the division than the unity that we are called to have in Christ. This only gets worse as people choose to gossip and make the situation bigger by involving others, which unfortunately is something we have come to expect at this point. While it is understandable that no breakup ends positively, we have become accustomed to handling it in a way that resembles the world, seeking justice and revenge instead of bearing good, Godly fruit.

What now?

I know that this was a big hodgepodge of different ideas and issues, but the main takeaway that I want to leave you all with is evaluate your motives, and be honest with yourself about how you are handling your desires. Just because you desire something doesn’t mean that it is inherently sinful; in fact, God often puts desires in our hearts that are good and lead us to Him. However, the way that we handle and interact with these desires shows how we value waiting on the Lord to provide. Chasing immediate gratification or not recognizing the gravity that the Lord has given marriage blends you in with the world, which is dangerous when we are called to be set apart from the world that Jesus’ blood has saved us from. My hope is for us to rise above the standards of the world and begin chasing holiness through leaning on God to provide in His good timing instead of trying to do it on our own. In this, the body of Christ will be able to lean into true fellowship and love one another without the constant problems of division and self-seeking actions.