It’s been quite a while since I’ve shared an “Authentic Life Update”, and I wanted to share something with you guys that I’ve struggled with on and off for years. I’ve said this countless times before, but being genuine and real is something that I really want to prioritize here, which means that I need to become more comfortable with being vulnerable. This can be hard for me, especially when I am putting my personal experiences out for the whole world to see, but I believe it is vital to my growth, and to be an encouragement to everyone that reads this. As I’m writing this, I pray that God would speak to you individually through this.
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In the past, I would never have considered myself to be lonely, and I never thought that this word would ever apply to me. I grew up with a big group of friends, and was always either hanging out with family, a sports team, or my church’s youth group. However, I have learned since then that loneliness is not just something that “lost” people go through. In fact, I feel as if most believers go through a lonely stage.
Why is this? Because the closer we get to God, the farther apart we will become in the world. This means that as we grow to understand that heaven is our home, this world will feel increasingly foreign to us. As John writes in his Gospel, “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.” (John 15:18-19)
This is a good sign, because it is proof that we are not chasing the desires of the world, but it can be very difficult. I began making my relationship with Christ my own about two and a half years ago, and that was an eye-opening moment for me in many ways. One of the things that I have learned since then is how different worldly friends are from Godly friends. The people that I hung out with before might have gone to church, but there was no personal relationship with Christ for them. This never bothered me before, but the more spiritual depth I sought in my life, the more I realized that the friends I had then would not be able to guide me in the right direction. Now, were they actively trying to pull me into acts of sin and away from the Lord? I would say not really. However, if you are following Christ, your closest friends must be people that can pull you closer to the Lord. During the time Jesus was here on earth, a paralyzed man was healed and forgiven simply because of the faith of his friends:
“And when [Jesus] returned to Capernaum after some days, it was reported that he was at home. And many were gathered together, so that there was no more room, not even at the door. And he was preaching the word to them. And they came, bringing to him a paralytic carried by four men. And when they could not get near him because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him, and when they had made an opening, they let down the bed on which the paralytic lay. And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven.’” (Mark 2:1-5)
If it wasn’t for this man’s friends, he would not even be able to get near to Jesus, let alone have his sins forgiven! This is just proof of how important Godly friends are.
The reason I’ve been pressing the importance of good friendships is because once I had some time to think about what my relationship with the Lord looks like in the rest of my life, I came to the realization that nobody I called a “close friend” was what the Bible described as a good friend. Now, they were amazing friends who got me through a lot in the past, and I am still friends with most of them now, but once my perspective changed from desiring worldly friendships to Godly ones, I began to feel increasingly lonely. Throughout my sophomore year of high school, I learned just how few people my age are diligently following the Lord. I spent a long time trying to make the friendships I had work out, and eventually God told me that this was the wrong way to go about it. I can still hang out with those friends, and I will always be called to love them, but I knew in my heart that I needed to find people that desired to be closer with God, and would help me do the same.
Let me tell you, that is not an easy journey. As anyone who has ever been new to a place, whether it is a school, job, city, or church, initiating relationships and taking the first step is really scary. It takes a lot of trust in the Lord to know that He will provide for you in His timing. As I began my search, I felt like I was the only person going through this. It seemed to me that everybody else had their own group of friends, and that everything was going great for everyone except for me. In reality, studies have shown that about 40% of teenagers have reported feeling lonely. That’s almost half of my generation!
In addition, the Bible has a lot of people that struggled with loneliness, and it often is connected with people that are committed to growing the kingdom of God. In fact, there is a lot of evidence in the Bible that Jesus had some very lonely moments. One of the many prophecies about him describes how “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” (Isaiah 53:3). He was hated throughout his entire ministry because his lifestyle and his teachings were so different from the world’s desires. In addition, when Jesus was on the cross, he was in the loneliest position I could ever imagine. He was put on the cross by people, who had chosen to put him to death, and since he had taken all the sins of the world on his shoulders during his crucifixion, God was no longer able to be with him, since the word says that there is no sin in God. “And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, ‘Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?’ which means, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’” (Mark 15:34). Jesus was rejected by both man and God, and was completely and utterly alone.
In addition, David, who was considered to be a man after God’s own heart, has written about loneliness in his psalms. In Psalm 25:16, David says this; “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.” David is showing great trust in God in this psalm, and even then, he is feeling lonely because of his detachment from the world.
Why is this so important to learn? Because for a long time, I thought that the root of my loneliness was a fault of my own. I thought that if nobody was willing to be close with me and walk alongside me, then there must be something so horribly wrong with me, and that it is all my fault. While I know I am not perfect, I began overthinking all my actions until I was convinced that I hurt every single person I’ve ever met without knowing it. The devil was able to work in my heart through that, and I began isolating myself. He knew that if I wasn’t being bold and initiating friendships with people that I knew loved God, then my faith would waver and I would begin to fall from God. In fact, this is exactly what happened. Through some of my sophomore and junior years of high school, I experienced two of the loneliest periods of my life. The more I desired to gain good friendships, the more I idolized them in my brain. I believed that once I had a “best friend”, then all my problems would be solved and I would finally be happy. In the midst of all that, I totally lost sight of the most important relationship in my life, which is with God. My Bible reading became almost exclusive to Sundays, my prayer life was simply me asking God to explain himself. I was not obedient, and became content sitting in my sadness, which continued for months. I can confidently say that I never want to be in that position again.
Finding fulfillment in surrender
Now that I’ve shared this very vulnerable part of my life with you, I also want to share with you how I was rescued from this, and what I learned from it. I don’t want to end this on a low note, but instead give encouragement to any of you that are going through this right now.
God will give you what you need, but you need to seek Him first
At this point in time, I asked God time and time again for a best friend, because in my mind, that is what I needed. It became my main focus, and my central desire. My longing to be close with God was put to the side, because I had managed to convince myself that I knew what I needed. I wasn’t able to feel content with God providing for me until I switched my mindset to making my relationship with the Lord my #1 priority.
The second I stopped idolizing friendships and improved my relationship with God, I felt so much more full. I believe that God will put people in my life when I need them, and he has done this countless times, but I need to stop finding it on my own and allow God to give it to me when it is the right time. Even a good thing in the wrong time isn’t God’s plan.
Surrender it all!
Oh, gosh, I cannot emphasize this enough. Surrender is the biggest thing that pulled me from my prison. What is surrender? Surrendering is when you give up, yield, or cede something, usually to somebody else. I feel as if it doesn’t have a good context in the world, because we live in a world where the mindset is to “never give up” and “take what’s yours”. We can be very greedy and territorial, and I learned that I can be this way in trying to control every part of my life. Even when it felt like my world was falling apart, I felt as if I was sitting on the ground, desperately trying to put the pieces back together, even though I knew I couldn’t do it. Surrendering to God is giving the pieces to the Lord and letting him do what he wants with the pieces.
Don’t get me wrong, this is scary. I mean, really scary. When I had the puzzle pieces, I could hold on to them and tell myself, almost in delusion, that it would all work out eventually. I knew that a season of my life was coming to an end, but I really am a control freak, so giving up control basically feels like the end of the world for me.
However, the second I let go of trying to control it, and asked God to do what he wanted in my situation, I found freedom. Learning to trust in God and his plan lifted such a weight off of my shoulders, and instead of trying to pave a path in my life all by myself, I simply had to follow the path that God led me through, and that meant totally letting go. It is scary, but at the same time, so freeing. I would love to write so much more about this, because surrendering and giving something to God, even daily, is what gives me a renewed heart attitude, and revolutionizes my day. If you’re interested, please reach out, and I’d love to dive deeper into this!
People will never fulfill you, only God will
After idolizing friendships for so long, I realized that no matter how close I am with another person, they will never be God. They cannot fix all my problems, they cannot fulfill my soul, and they cannot provide my salvation. God can do all that, and that is all that we will ever need. Now, is community important? Yes! But, idolizing community, even just the idea of having it, instead of God, will always leave you searching for more.
No matter where your current experience with friendships and loneliness is, remember that no friendship will ever be able to fulfill you except for that of the Lord. I promise.
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Thank you all for allowing me to be vulnerable in ways like this, and helping me grow more and more into who the Lord wants me to be. As always, please never hesitate to reach out, because I would love to talk, whether you have a prayer request, are curious about something I said, or even just want some love and community. You guys are so important to me, and I thank the Lord for you guys every time I work on this. See you soon!
P.S. - Listen to The Difference Between Being Lonely and Alone - Jeanine Amapola…speaks so much truth about being alone with the Lord, versus being in a season of loneliness. So good!
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