Dating & Marriage: How to Prepare

The interesting thing about the demographic of people that engage with Authentic Faith is that you are all in very different areas of life. Some of my faithful readers are in high school, and are still trying to figure out what it is that God has called them to do in life, while others are married and have already started their own families and have established their careers. And then, you have everyone in between, including my peers that are all at different crossroads in determining which path of life they will pursue. This is so intriguing to me, because it means I have so many different perspectives in my readers that can bring beautiful insights depending on where the Lord has them now.

This means, however, that it can be difficult for me to target a specific area of life in my blog and speak on it, simply because of all of the different paths of life you all are on. I am so thankful for each and every one of you, because you have poured so much love and support into my mission of authentically sharing my life story and how God has been so good in all of it. For those of you who have been a part of this community since its beginning over three years ago, you remember my specific passion for this blog in becoming a space created for young women by a young woman. There are very few spaces in today’s media where young Christian women are creating content to encourage their peers, and it made me feel out of place and unseen. I wished that I could see people go through the same things as me, and learn how to glorify God in all of these things, whether it be the good, the bad, or the ugly. So, this became a space for me to share my authentic journey, write about what I’ve learned in life so far, and encourage those that are like me to know that they are never alone.

Because of this, I want to specifically reach out with this post to those that are in a similar life stage as me: college-aged individuals who are trying to figure out what it is that God designed them for. With this series, this specifically looks like learning how to prepare for your future of dating and marriage. This blog series has been guided by the wise words of the different mentors in my life that have navigated dating and marriage in a way that truly reflects Jesus, and this post is specifically going to dive into this advice that has brought good, Godly fruit. While we may not always know where the Father is guiding us in our life, we have a responsibility to prepare what we believe the Lord is building us for.

Preparing in Singleness

Singleness is referred to too often as a waiting season, and while there is some truth to it, I believe that only seeing it in this light is a restricted view of what it really means to be single. Whether this is an intentional decision that you have made, or you are struggling with not being in a relationship when you wish you were in one, there is so much that you have the ability to do in where God has you now. While you are waiting for God to bring your future spouse into your life, there is also so much that He has specifically designed for you in this season.

One verse that I have really been loving lately is 1 Corinthians 7:34, which says that “there is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit; but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” This verse explains how those that are single have more time and effort to give to the mission of Christ, simply because they are not caring for their spouse. In a wife’s role, she is the homemaker, and is busy taking care of the space that God has given them, and is also attending to the unique needs and desires of her husband. Those that are single do not have these responsibilities, and therefore can be more intimate in their relationship with God. I know that while I am at college, the only person that I am responsible for is myself, and without having a husband or kids to consistently be taking care of, I can pour more of myself into those around me. I am able to be more flexible with my time, and can give more of myself, especially in unexpected circumstances. Some of my favorite memories from my freshman year include running to my friend’s dorm in the middle of the night simply because they needed someone to talk to, or taking time out of my day to bring them a coffee after a particularly rough week. These are some of the blessings that come to those not in a relationship, and the Lord is able to give these extra opportunities to show others the love of Jesus Christ in a unique way in this season. So, don’t view singleness as a period of time that simply stands in the way of your current circumstances and marriage. Instead, I would encourage those of you that are single to dive headfirst into this season of life that the Lord has intentionally put you in, and recognize the unique opportunities that you will never be able to have in the same way once you are married and committed to somebody else.

At the same time, though, this does not mean that you can’t also be preparing for your future. A lot of the advice that I received from my mentors actually had nothing to do with actual relationships, and instead focused on what you can do before you even are looking for somebody. Some of you may find yourselves too young to consider looking to date, while others recognize that dating is unrealistic considering the season of life that God has currently put you in. I admire the awareness and honesty that you bring to the table, and would encourage you to not let this stop you from preparing. In fact, the one piece of advice that I was given by almost everybody that I talked to is to prioritize your relationship with God first, and create a steady, firm foundation with your Father before even considering entering into the dating field. If you are looking to end up in a marriage that brings glory to God, your priority should always be your relationship with God. This means being intimate and honest with the Lord, and spending as much time with Him as you can. Your prayer should be constant and honest, you should be consistent in learning about His character in the Bible, and you should be bearing fruit that points back to our Savior.

Similar to that, I was told once to be the type of person that the person you’re looking for is looking for. The reality is that you attract what you are, and if you are looking for a partner that is loving, loyal, and a committed Christ-follower, you need to make sure that this standard exists in your own life. Marriage is a two-way relationship, and it is unrealistic to expect big things from a spouse when you can’t honestly say that you are seeking after the Lord’s will first and foremost. It can be an ugly truth to realize that you attract what you are, but you won’t attract true men and women of God if you aren’t one. While you grow and are pruned throughout a relationship, it doesn’t just start when the relationship does. In fact, many of the qualities of a wife or husband should already be existing in you in the form of a solid foundation.

What specifically does that look like, though?

I received an answer once from one of my mentors that discipled me all throughout high school, and she put it like this: you should pray for a man like a godly man will need prayed for, submit to your parents like you would your future husband, and care for your room, dorm, or home like you would for your future home and family. For me, this was revolutionary, because it showed me how many opportunities that we have in life to start becoming a good wife even while you’re single. For all the girls reading this, I can promise that if a Godly man sees you fulfilling this role in your house and in your life, he will recognize that you are able to fulfill the role of a wife that the Lord has set for us in the Bible. This also exists in the other sense, too, because I will say that I can already notice when men are cultivating a space in their lives that reflects a Godly husband.

So, no matter what season of life you find yourself in, you can always be looking toward the future and preparing for what God has in store for you, even if you don’t know exactly what that looks like yet.

Ready to Date

While some of you are intentionally staying single right now, others of you may be ready to open yourself up to the idea of dating, or find yourself looking to start dating a specific person. This can definitely be a bit of a scary ride, because it feels as if there is a lot of pressure to do it “right”. I know I’ve felt that in the past, because I am scared of hurting somebody in a relationship, and don’t want to mess up and let my own emotions and desires control my actions. So for those of you feeling that way, I want to let you know that it is okay. Yes, it is important to be intentional in relationships, and I believe that you should be wise about the decisions you make in deciding who to date, but if you put too much pressure on it, you’ll begin to lose sight of what really matters.

When it comes to deciding who to date, there is a lot to consider. After all, your future spouse is going to help you raise your kids, will be your best friend your entire life, and will walk through every season with you every single day. For the women out there, your husband will be leading you and your children, and is responsible for providing for you all, and for the men out there, your wife will have your children to carry on your name, and will be walking alongside you as your help meet as long as you live. With all this in mind, it is important that you are looking at the heart of potential dates, not just how cute their eyes or hair is. Some key things that my mentors advised me to look for are 1.) someone saved and likeminded, 2.) a guy who models Christ/a girl who models the church, and 3.) someone that fits your personal non-negotiables list.

When looking for somebody that is saved and likeminded, I can imagine that the verse that first popped into my head is the one that you probably thought of as well. 2 Corinthians 6:14 is a verse that is often used in this context, and it says this: “be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?”. This verse is used often in Christian circles to explain that you should be looking for a partner that is also a born-again Bible believer. If your heart for marriage is to glorify God better together with someone than without them, it doesn’t add up to be married with someone that has not even dedicated their life to following Jesus. However, there is much more that you should be looking for than just someone that is saved. Amos 3:3 says, “can two walk together, except they be agreed?”, and I believe that this digs even deeper into this idea. If you and your spouse are going to be chasing God together, it is important that you both find yourself agreeing. This can include doctrine, personal beliefs, convictions, and theology issues, as well as many other things, even some not directly related to faith. If you do not agree with your spouse on many important issues, it could cause problems in your marriage. One example that comes to mind is finding a home church: if you and your spouse cannot find a church that matches both of your beliefs, it becomes significantly harder to become a part of a faith community, and to be in consistent fellowship with other believers. While we are not told that we absolutely have to attend a specific church regularly, it can be extremely difficult for believers to maintain a steady walk with God if they are not consistently being challenged and encouraged by a loving community. To practically apply to finding someone with whom you agree, it is important to have deep conversations about beliefs and future plans, and I would even advise to have these conversations early on in a relationship. If you and your partner find yourself having different beliefs, or vastly different life plans, it can have a big impact on your relationship as a whole.

Next, one key thing to look for is either a guy that models Christ, or a girl that models the church. I won’t go too in detail about it, as this is something I covered when writing about the role of the husband and the role of the wife. So, if this is something you are interested in reading more about, I would encourage you to go to those posts, where I have written a deeper dive into these roles. Like I mentioned earlier, while you will experience so much growth and pruning when you become married, you shouldn’t neglect building a foundation for these qualities, so this is something that you should also be recognizing in potential partners.

In addition, I had mentioned a non-negotiables list, and how you should be using one to help decide on who it is that you want to date. When I talk about a non-negotiables list, though, I want to bring clarity on what this means. I have seen too many secular lists of what they want in a partner, and many of these things are physical attributes. If I were a guy, and had my social media littered with girls only wanting guys that are above six feet, have curly brown hair, big biceps, and plenty of money, I would honestly get insecure. There are many things about our physical appearance that we can’t change, and even if we can, there becomes a point where we are changing who God created us to be to try and fit the standard of other people. While it is true that we all have certain physical attributes that we learn towards, our lists should compromise not of these physical aspects, but specific character traits that are important to you. This can include specific beliefs or convictions, but can also be hobbies, passions, or personality traits that specifically intrigue you due to your own interests and life story. For example, if you were hurt by somebody that didn’t communicate with you and ghosted you, it may be important to you to have a leader that is a verbal processor, as it would soothe your anxieties and stop you from overthinking. In addition, if you have desires to travel the world in mission fields and meet different types of people to show them the Gospel, you might want someone adventurous that is willing to live a less rooted life for a while to allow the two of you to travel. We know what God has made us for, and it is important to lean into those things and make sure that you are still fulfilling God’s purpose for your life in those relationships.

It is important to mention that while you shouldn’t be dating somebody you have no intention of marrying, you don’t have to completely know if you are going to marry someone before going on a date with them. If there is somebody that is interested in you that you have no interest in and cannot see yourself marrying them, then entering into a relationship with them will only hurt people. Just because you know a relationship can bring you immediate gratification does not mean that it will end well, and it is a dangerous place to be when you are able to hurt others because of your selfish desires. The point of dating should be a time of evaluation, to find out if the person you are interested in is someone you can see yourself marrying, so dating for any other reason will only lead to hurt in the end. However, it is okay to go on a date with somebody that you are not sure about yet. Like I said, dating is a time for evaluation, and sometimes, going on a date with somebody to learn more about them will give you a peaceful “no” that you two do not mesh as well as you think you do. I want to encourage you to know that this is okay! As long as you are upfront and honest in your communication with the other person, to let them know how you are feeling, there is no shame in going on a date and it not going like you imagined.

Overall, if you are looking to date and find who you want to marry, it is important to do so with a specific end in mind, and to be consistently seeking wise counsel from those you trust. By asking others to help you in this journey, and to find people that will be honest with you and give you God-centered advice, you can intentionally work towards your future in a way that glorifies the Lord!

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No matter what season you are in, or where God will take you, I would simply re-emphasize the point of putting your relationship with God first. Marriage is a beautiful thing, and it was created by the Lord to bring glory to Him, but it is not everything. Ultimately, all people on this earth are broken and will let you down. Christ is the only one who is consistent, perfect, and worthy of our praise. Following Him with your whole heart is the only thing in life that will never fail, and if you are pursuing the Lord with everything you have, I believe that He is faithful and just to provide what you need to reflect His love and light to everyone that you encounter.