Dating & Marriage: Purity

Growing up in the church, I had heard the word “purity” countless times, yet I feel like it was a topic that was tiptoed around. I didn’t really understand what people meant when they told me to “save myself for marriage” when I was younger, and people were so afraid to discuss it with kids that it left me confused and unaware whenever the topic of sexual immorality came up. So, while I do believe it is important to talk about sex and sexual purity in a way that reveres and respects God’s design in it, I don’t want to do it in a way that seems to skirt around it. I plan on being upfront and honest with Scripture, and letting it guide my discussion in the way that the Holy Spirit has convicted me. I know that reading a blog post about the Bible’s views on sex may be a bit awkward, but my mission for this blog was to always be authentic, and that involves letting Scripture speak for itself instead of me putting my own personal imperfect views into its interpretation.

With all that being said, this post is going to cover the topic of purity, including God’s original design for sex, how it has been tainted by sin, and what we do as a result of it. I want to look into Scriptural evidence of why the Bible says what it does, and to look at passages that show the effect of sexual immorality in our world. It is important to know not just what we are commanded to do, but why God lays these things out for us. The Lord is a good Father that sets these commands for us to protect us and to guide us in truth, not just because He wants to stop us from having “a good time”. I find that analyzing Scripture from this perspective teaches me about His character and cultivates my relationship with my heavenly Father.

What is purity?

Technically speaking, purity is the state of being, whole, flawless, or perfect, and is used in similar fashions to the word “holy”. It is used in Scripture to describe the words of the Lord (Psalm 12:6), the commandment of the Lord (Psalm 19:8), and being undefiled before God (James 1:27), to name a few. We as believers are called to be pure because of the nature of our God: “but as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; because it is written, be ye holy; for I am holy.” (1 Peter 1:15-16). We are called to be reflections of Christ, so that our actions and our heart can point believers to truth, and being pure and undefiled is the way that we are commanded to do this.

In the modern church specifically, though, it is used most often in the context of sexual morality, and being fully submitted to God’s design for sexuality. While purity in this manner does look like abstaining from sex until getting married, it is also a combination of all of your words, actions, and heart posture. Just because you are saving yourself until marriage does not automatically make you “pure” in this sense, and in the same way, someone that didn’t wait can have a change of heart and have been sanctified through Christ.

God’s original design

Even though sex is often talked about in a negative way in the church, especially when talking about sexual immorality, it in itself is not a sin. In fact, sexual intimacy was created by God and has a purpose in being a beautiful union between a man and his wife. In fact, in the very beginning, the Bible explains that “a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24). This idea of two becoming one is repeated multiple times in Scripture (like in Matthew 19:5-6), and includes many different aspects, such as the sexual union of covenant marriage. Intimacy in itself was designed to be beautiful, and was made to fulfill God’s command to replenish the earth, as we see in Genesis 4:1 when “Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain.”

I find it important to heavily point out that while there are lots of issues with sexual intimacy due to the fallen state of our world, God’s original design for sexual intimacy remains pure and holy, and Hebrews 13:4a even states that “marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled”. If you are engaging in sexual intimacy in the way that honors the Lord, exclusively with your spouse as a man and wife, you are obediently walking in the path the Lord has set for you and are enjoying the things that He has created you to enjoy. The problem lies, however, in how this beautiful design was tainted by the origination of sin in the world.

The design tainted

From the moment that sin entered into the world, we as a people have become inherently selfish, and seek for immediate gratification that overrules what we know is right. All throughout Scripture, we see people acting in sexual immorality and lust, and we see how it destroys and defiles. Throughout the book of Leviticus, there are clear prohibitions against sex outside of marriage, homosexuality, with close relatives, with animals, and in adultery, (Leviticus 18:6-23) with all these statutes and laws continuing into the New Testament. And in examining the contexts and meanings of the root word porneia, which is the Greek word translated in the Bible to sexual immorality, this includes any illicit sexual activity, such as pornography and prostitution. Jesus even explains during the sermon on the mount that “ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, thou shalt not commit adultery: but i say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” (Matthew 5:26-28). So, even if you are not physically doing anything wrong, your heart posture of lust puts you in that same position.

This is a deeply saddening thing to see, because we as a people have allowed our own fleshly desires to defile something that God made for us as a beautiful symbol of unity. There are countless examples of people in Scripture that have given in to these desires to engage in sexual immorality, and not only does it taint a person’s relationship with God, but it damages and destroys the relationships between people here on earth.

If we are to look at today's culture, especially in these younger generations, there is only further evidence of how far people have turned from Jesus. Hookup culture has completely changed my generation’s view on sexual intimacy, changing it from something holy and beautiful to a casual way to get what you want without caring for someone’s soul. I have seen too many people around me engage in one-night stands, toxic situationships, and non-exclusive relationships simply because they would rather gain immediate gratification than put in the effort to love someone in sacrifice through a committed relationship. Social media has glorified the idea of sleeping around, and countless movies and shows romanticize the idea of getting “caught up in the moment” and letting whatever happens happen. I would say that in this context, we are more broken than ever, and have strayed so far from God’s original design that hearing about people waiting until marriage has become unusual.

What now?

For me to say that we should simply not have sex until we are married is a blanket statement, and even though it is wise, it is easier said than done. Practicing sexual purity is more than that, because it encompasses handling temptation, watching what you put into your heart, and practicing self-control.

The first thing that I would advise in this is to watch your heart's attitude towards sexual intimacy. When you see the boundaries that God has put on sex, do you see how close you can get without crossing the line, or do you strive to be as far away from the line as possible? It is easy to say “I’m a virgin, so I’m fine”, or “we’ve never gone too far”, but this is a dangerously legalistic point of view to hold. Remember, God is chasing after your heart, and all He desires is for you to want to chase after a closer relationship with Him. From there, your actions will be a natural showing of the heart posture that you have adopted.

One way to practice this is to examine what things you are putting into your heart concerning sexual intimacy. Do the songs you listen to promote “following your heart” and doing what sounds fun, or do they encourage holiness and wanting to be more like Jesus? Do your favorite movies and shows depict people getting drunk and simply “seeing what happens”, or are you given wise examples of people that are fighting their fleshly desires? If I am being honest, I am saying this directly to myself, because it is so difficult to live in my generation without getting roped into these things. While I am cautious with what music and movies I allow myself to be around, and don’t get to listen to many popular songs or watch hit shows because I know it isn’t good for me, I can find myself being lukewarm in these areas often. It is easy to say “it’s just one bad line” or “just one weird scene”, but ultimately, I am actively desensitizing myself to sin, and allowing myself to watch it without first reminding myself of the truth.

In addition, a way to practice sexual purity is to watch your relationship with temptation. As mentioned before, the media that you allow in your life, as well as the people you let speak into your life, are going to influence your temptation. If you are watching inappropriate shows, and listening to music that glorifies hookup culture, you are automatically going to be tempted more. Because of this, intentionally refraining from indulging in this media shows a healthy relationship with temptation, because you understand how these things affect you and are willing to take proactive steps to stop yourself from being tempted when you can control it. However, you know that it is impossible to control every single factor of what happens in your life. Temptation will eventually come, no matter who you are or what you’ve done, so it is important to know how to handle it.

Firstly, let me remind you that temptation in itself is not a sin. We see here in the Gospels that Jesus himself was tempted, showing that having others try to pull you into sin does not mean that you have sinned. However, it is important to take note of how Jesus handled temptation, and how he was able to fight it off with truth.

“Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil. And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungred. And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread. But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, and setteth him on a pinnacle of the temple, and saith unto him, If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone. Jesus said unto him, It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God. Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them; And saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me. Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve. Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him.” (Matthew 4:1-11)

Every time Jesus was tempted by Satan, he countered it with Biblical truth. By reminding himself of what his Father said, he was able to show a better way. Even if it was less appealing at the moment, he was able to stay on the right path because of this. This is proof of how important it is to be actively memorizing Scripture that is relevant to what you are going through, because being able to recite a verse when you are feeling tempted is the best way to remind yourself of solid, Biblical truth. "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee" (Psalm 119:11). For me, handling temptation by countering it with Scripture is a sign that someone truly wants to pursue the Lord and His will for their life first, and that is invaluable.

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I want to end this by reinstating a very important bottom line, and that is that God is looking after your heart. His greatest desire is to see you want to grow deeper in relationship with Him, and that flows from your heart posture. No one is perfect, and we are all going to fall short of the standard of perfection, but when the Lord sees a heart that is yearning for Him, is is His joy and delight.